Been a while.

Well, it’s July now. It’s been a very long time since I blogged about anything.

To get  to speed here, hubby is gone on another deployment, unfortunately. Because of the distance, the time apart, and the frustrations with the whole situation, we’ve been fighting a lot more than normal, which is really weird for us. I think the majority of military couples go through something like this at some point, and it’s just wearing on us both. I’ve been doing a lot of changing, and I think that scares him, because I’m not the same person I was when we got married, which I don’t know if he didn’t expect me to change at all or what. Anyway, I’ve been trying to change the way I react to his biting comments, and try not to be so passive aggressive towards him sometimes. But it’s like, I’m supposed to fit his expectations and not my own, I’m supposed to be who he wants me to be instead of who I want to be.

I’ve still been on a path looking for God, and I will be honest, it’s a lot harder than I thought. I bought a Bible and have been reading it, and it’s like I’m reading it and expecting to have some epiphany and calming feeling like some people I know have experienced. I’m just still kind of lost as to where I should go from here, because I don’t know what I really believe on my own. Do I just believe that Jesus died for the sins of the world because I was raised a Catholic and attended Catholic schools for most of my life, or is it what I really truely believe? I have a lot of studying and learning to do yet. I’m going to church tomorrow with a friend of mine for the first time in well over a year, so who knows what kind of experience that will be. I like listening to worship music, I like reading religious texts and finding out what different people believe. I like to pray. But every major religion has all these things. I want to have the kind of faith like my brother has, but have the ideals that my roommate from college has. I don’t have to live the Bible perfectly. It’s a guide for living, not a strict set of rules that we have to follow to the letter. That’s where I clash with a lot of people I know. It’s hard to explain.

I don’t believe that if people aren’t Christians or don’t believe Jesus was/is the son of God that they will go to hell. Nor do I think that Hell is fire and brimstone, and wailing and gnashing of teeth. I just can’t condemn my husband and some of my friends for being faithless, or for not following any organized religion, because 1. it’s not my place to do so, it is God’s alone, and 2. I can’t accept that kind of fate for them. Hell is simply separation from God and from Paradise, not enternal damnation and suffering. I just can’t believe that God would create this world, and love all of it’s creatures so much, and then punish them to eternal pain in Hell after they die. Wouldn’t that break His heart to see his children suffering and crying out for Him like that?

 I want that unshakeable faith, where I can always know that turning to God will always make me feel good, in times of struggle or ease. Why is this so difficult?

Read this blog!

In case you ever come across my blog, you should totally check out a blog of a great friend of mine, my sister at heart.

melodicrelations.wordpress.com

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Thoughts on faith.

Today I was thinking about something. I wish I had a closer relationship with God. I wish I was more of a Catholic, closer with my religious roots, I suppose. I’m proud of telling people that I’m an Irish Catholic, but not because I’m a practicing Catholic, but instead because of the typical reaction to that. Just like people react to Italian Catholics, or what they think when they hear that. Yes, I was baptized Catholic, raised going to Catholic churches, Catholic schools. Hell, I even chose to go to a Catholic college. (Two actually) But I will be totally honest. Church bores me. Catholics depress me, because we as a whole don’t so much live our faith as we mourn it. (Not to say that every Catholic does this. I can think of one special one that lives her faith everyday. I wish I could be like that.) One of my major issues, is that I’m just too damn stubborn to change the way that I live because of a religion, no matter which one it is. I figure that I live a decent life, so I’m not going to end up in Hell, for the most part. Sure, I’ve said some messed up things, but for the most part, I’m a good person, because let’s face it. No one is perfect. I konw that being a Catholic isn’t really something you can be taught, trust me, after over 12 years of Catholic schools, no one can teach you how to have faith in something. You either do or you don’t. Now, I’m not saying I have no faith in God. But I just sometimes feel like I’m not in the right religion I guess. Or maybe the wrong sect of that religion. I don’t know. I mean, I see other people with such a strong sense of faith, and I envy that. I wish I had the power in my heart (or should I say soul?) to give the hard things in my life over to God, and pray. Not just when I’m desperate for help, or guidance, but just to have that relationship with something bigger than me, to reach out and talk, even though I won’t always get a direct answer, but have complete faith that I’m being listened to. I’ve always been attracted to books, shows, film about different religions, wondered what each one is like. Maybe trying to find out which one is for me. Another I don’t know is popping in my head. I guess I’m going to need someone to talk to on this one.

Lonely day number two.

Well, my husband left yesterday morning for training, and I’m by myself. But we got to do something pretty cool before he left. He took me to the aquarium, something that I really like doing. So here are some pictures of our drive there, and some cool stuff we saw.

Some fishing boats on the way, and an albino tree frog.

tall tall trees

Same story, different day. Two new photos!

Can you believe how tall Carolina Pines really are? Yeah, I’m 5′7″ and they go so high. Andre the Giant would be completely dwarfed by them.

Yeah, I would be jealous too. He’s amazing.

Another day..another photo

Well, before I put in my photo from yesterday and today (sorry I got lazy) let me just regal you guys with some thoughts.

There are a lot of things that I would like to do. (learn how to ride a motorcycle, fire a gun, stuff like that) And even if these aren’t things I do on a regular basis, I just want to be able to say “hey, I’ve done that.” I feel like sometimes I miss out on a lot of cool stuff because my husband and I always butt heads when he’s trying to teach me something, or because I’m just too nervous about him teaching me something. I guess because I’m afraid of being bad at it, of him getting frustrated with teaching me, whatever–stupid things like that. I psych myself out a lot when it comes to doing things that I KNOW he’s going to be good at. It’s stupid, I know. I can’t really explain why I do this, or what makes me feel so weird about when he’s teaching me something. I got the same type of feeling when he came to martial arts with me a few times after his deployment, and we had to spar each other. I knew that he would be better at it than me, I mean damn, he gets trained in fighting and killing people for goodness sake, so if he weren’t better than me at sparring, I would be scared.

I just want to experience things I guess. Experience more things. I might not like all of them, but I just want to be able to say that I did it. I just don’t want to regret not doing something, because I’m scared. I don’t mean like I’m going to go jump out of an airplane or something like that, but things that I could easily do.

Anyway, without further ado (or complaints) here are the two photos, one from yesterday, and one from today.

It’s probably best that you don’t ask about that.

Exercising with Turbo last night.

work work work..boo.

I actually remembered to take the camera to work today, and this is what came of it. This is what happens when we’re slow during lunch, really bored, and someone happens to have a camera. True, not a photo of something that is totally moving, but it was funny. So enjoy looking at Nick with coffee.

Day 3.

I won’t lie, I completely forgot my camera all day today. (not that I had much at work to take pictures of, but I still forgot it.) So since I actually made a real dinner at the stove for once, I thought I would take a picture of my culinary deliciousness, even if you can’t tell it’s tasty, I will let you know, it really was.

So here is my chicken and spinach salad with chopped apples and balsamic vinaigrette.

project 365 day 2.

Nothing too special today. Just my furbaby. Cause he’s cute, and I love him.

New Project.

I’ve decided to start that project I’m sure some of you have heard about. Doing a year in photographs. It always sounded like fun, so I decided that I will do one this year, and use my blog as the upload point, because well, I never really use it for anything else.

Yep, I know, I’m a few days behind. But what of it? The whole point is to start documenting my year BEFORE my husband deploys again, so that whilst he is away, I have something to occupy me, and some sort of creation of my own to keep up on. Then by the end of the year, I will probably compile all of my photos into an album.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. I just have to keep up on the project. Which in itself, may prove difficult enough for me.

So here it is, photo number one. Bear with me, I’m not the most creative of photographers. But I’m willing to give it a shot.

I took this photo because recently I began reading Pride and Prejudice (again, for the 3rd time) and yet again, can’t put it down for the life of me. So this is my recognition to Jane Austen I suppose.